……."Ah yes, but what a shame, what a shame, the poor groom's bride is a whore!" No I’m not decrying somebody’s wedding day I originally wanted to throw in for my title a quote or something from Fantastic Four: Rise of the silver surfer, which I watched last night at the cinema. However I will be 100% honest with you my dear readers I was so underwhelemed by it that I can’t actually remember any good lines from the film however using special stu-o-vision I can now save you 89 mins of your life by giving you a complete rundown of the film. So here we go…..
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.
Planet goes boom, streak of silver makes it’s way towards earth.
Sue and Reed are planning to get married complete with jokes about endorsement deals. (It is at this stage where we notice that Sue aka Jessica Alba now looks like Barbie or at the very least one of Hitlers ideal for the master race.)
Hackneyed dialogue, Reeds Stag night, big soldier tells reed to build a sensor or some such. Reed says no his wedding to Sue is vastly more important to him, he then proceeds to make sensor anyway.
The Wedding day, Reed is continuing to make his sensor complete with remote input device supplied by Nokia (They don’t just make cell phones you know). Meanwhile Sue discovers a zit!!!! Gosh no, disaster averted she renders it invisible while at the same time talking to the films resident token minority and blind woman. Who of course see’s clearer than anybody else despite her lack of site, after all this is Hollywood.
The ceremony, oh no that silver streak thingy has turned up in New York and is ruining Sue and Reeds wedding. Time to go Bridezilla on his arse, but wait a helicopter is crashing on the roof of the Baxter building! Invisible woman to the rescue while Johnnie yells flame on and chases after this silver streak thingy. Chase ensues, silver streak thingy is actually a surfer wrapped in baco foil. He grabs hold of Johnnie takes him up into the planets upper atmosphere where his flame extinguishes before flinging him back to earth. Falling and falling he manages to for a short time flame on once again saving himself from death, but prolonging our misery.
The lab “He was like some kind of silver dude on a surf board” Johnnie informs the team before being told that his contact with the ‘Silver Surfer’ has somehow enabled him to switch powers with the others. Cue jokey scene with the thing. They work out where the surfer will next appear and travel to London. All reality goes out of the window in London as everybody there speaks English, there isn’t even a single Australian backpacker trying to get a job in the pub. Cue dramatic London Eye rescue that almost goes wrong.
Cue dressing down by big soldier dude who announces that the four obviously can’t do it by themselves and that they have brought in somebody else, ominous music, It’s Doctor Victor Von Doom!!!!! That’s right the mad evil genius who wanted to take over the world in the first film is back and the US have called him in to help!!!!
At this stage I got somewhat bored, needless to say, Silver surfer captured and tortured, Doom nicks his surfboard, Sue killed then resurrected. Surfer laying dead in space after destroying Gallactus the destroyer of worlds (aka his boss) Sue and Reed finally get married, blast off at ludicrous speed in the fantasticar that appears to be made by Dodge (so when will that be available to buy at the dealership and what will the extras package be like?) Unfortunate third sequel waits in the wings.
So there we go I have managed to save you 89 minutes of your life by giving you a full breakdown of one of this years Summer blockbusters. Of course if you are 11 you will no doubt love this movie, anybody else will be left leaving the cinema thinking “Well there’s that one then.” It’s not terrible, but it’s by no means brilliant.
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